Thursday, February 9, 2012

A Great Whatever (blog story) 3

     There are two truths when it comes to men and alcohol. Men only get sentimental when they are drunk. Men always get sentimental when they are drunk. Anytime you hear an elongated “Maaan,” it is likely to be followed by a “Remember that time…” or a “I love you guys.” Even the rowdiest drunk will spontaneously break down into a sniveling mess with little provocation.
     Everyone is hammered, but Eric is by far the worst. He cannot shut up about how he is going to miss everyone and what a great time college was. He had started getting a little huggy after his fifth shot. By his tenth he was the poster child for inappropriate contact. Whether it was men or women, he didn’t care. Everyone is laughing at the spectacle. You wonder how the hell this guy keeps getting served.
     It is true that everyone is going to go their separate ways, but it isn’t going to happen overnight. Even during dramatic upheavals people tend to fade out of each other’s lives. They aren’t automatically relegated to memory. You know that your important friends will stay in touch, regardless of where they are.
     You’re sipping on a light beer trying to take in all the action. You have plans tonight that don’t include whisky dick so you are trying to pace yourself. Eric comes over and sits in your lap like you’re a mall Santa.
     “Maaaaark!” He throws his arms around your neck and buries your head in his chest. “Maaaan, I am going to miss you so much!”
     “Gonna miss you too man.”
     He is sweaty and gross. He pulls back so he can look you in the eye but each eye seems to be pointing in a different direction. “You are the best. I mean you are the fucking best Dude! Do you know that?”
     “I’m alright.”
     “Can I tell you something man?”
     “Only if you promise not to puke on me.”
     “I love the chicas!”
     “Is that why you’re giving me a lap dance?” He doesn’t understand a word you say.
     “Where are all the honeys?” He seems sad for a moment. “There are too many dudes here. Let’s go somewhere else!”
     You motion to his girlfriend to come over. She has been following him around taking pictures. She makes you pose for the camera. You know this is going to wind up on Facebook.
     “Can you take him home before he tries to hump me or someone else?”
     She lets out a big snorting laugh and grabs his hand. Seeing them make out in the doorway to the bar is both ridiculous and tender. You can’t wait to go home and get some clown action of your own.

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