Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Keep Smiling and Curse Under Your Breath

     God, I am such a cynical bastard. It’s not that I find fault with everything around me it’s just that the suckier something is the more it sticks out and the easier it is to lampoon. Starbucks coffee cup lids, shrink wrapped produce, and any pop culture item that contains even a whiff of sentimentality are the usual victims. Stupid people doing stupid things, especially so. Do not drive 55 in the passing lane. If you do I either have mocked or will mock you in the future. It’s uncontrollable, like a tick or a seizure.
     I have to keep reminding myself not to go there. That is why I smile, a lot. It is hard to act like a shit when you have a smile on your face. I have tried to make snide comments while grinning and they just don’t have the same impact. It’s simpler to change your outlook.
     It is not that I am some beacon of positivity. I’m far from it, in fact. I just try to make a conscious effort to not let things get me down. There is nothing to be gained in acting like bummer all the time.
     Also, I swear constantly, but it’s okay. Scientists say that swearing actually eases stress and lowers one’s pain threshold. Apparently, if you hit someone on the thumb with a hammer it hurts them more if they say, “That was painful. Please, if you will, refrain from striking me again. It would be most appreciated.” than it is to say, “Mother fucker! If you come within six feet of me with that Goddamn hammer again I will shove it up your ass and turn you into a popsicle. You piece of shit!” I don’t understand the science behind it, but it makes sense.
     I come from a long line of swearers, although you would be hard pressed to get anyone in my family to admit it. The casualness with which four letter adjectives roll off their tongues is amazing in its effortlessness. I doubt anyone ever took the time to count them or realized their abundance.
     I don’t even flinch at the word shit. It is so useful and so commonplace that I can interject it into virtually any conversation. The f-word is trickier. The only appropriate times to use it are either when under great stress or as part of a comedic gesture. Any other usage is potentially vulgar.
     I learned swearing etiquette on the playground in eigth grade and excelled at it. It was also around this time I started smiling more. It seems that when your face is expressionless people assume you are sad or mad because they cannot tell what emotion you are feeling so they try to fill in the blanks. It is very annoying to have people ask is everything is alright for no good reason. I’d just smile and assure them I’m fine then mutter to myself “asshole” as they walk away.

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