The next two weeks of work were exactly like the first day had promised they’d be. Awful. You were an outsider. No one ever talked to you. They might tell you to do things, but no one asked about your personal life or shared theirs. You were accorded all the familiarity a tax auditor or loan officer might expect. Actually, people are usually nice to loan officers.
During this time you had made and delivered coffee. You picked up lunches and dry cleaning. You emptied trash cans even though they have someone to do that. You got to make copies, which was fun. Every time you got to leave the building you stayed out longer and longer. Once when you had to go to the printers you dropped off what was needed and stopped to catch a matinee before heading back to the office. Your presence was not missed. You tried to help with some actual work, but people would not even attempt to hide their frustration when you asked questions. You wonder how a person can possibly be chastised for not knowing what they haven’t been told.
The job was a dead end and you wanted out as fast as you could, but your father obviously pulled a lot of strings to get you in. There was no illusion that they were going to keep you on after six months. The only thing to do was to suck it up and ride it out. At least you could say you tried.
If there was no progress being made at work, at home things were moving at a fast and furious pace.
Now that you were employed, the engagement to Heather was definitely on. She had everything planned out to the smallest detail. You believe that it is true that even the most jaded girl spends her whole life secretly planning for her wedding. Heather certainly did. You know this because you caught her looking through a wedding dream list she had tucked away in a notebook from high school.
You mentioned, “I don’t think we can get Boyz 2 Men to play at our reception,” causing her to elbow you in the ribs. “Maybe we can get one of the cheaper, lesser known Boyz . Tell you what, I’ll sing. I’m practically free and easy to book.” You started to sing “I’ll Make Love to You”, but she shoved her whole hand in your mouth to make you stop.
Heather had done so much. She had the floral arrangements and color patterns worked out. She even managed to potty train Milo and teach him to sit. All you needed to do was buy a ring. You hadn’t even looked.
During a visit with your parents your mother had given you her engagement ring. As far as you could remember she had never taken it off her hand and you felt guilty accepting it. She looked so pleased you could not say no. It wasn’t the biggest or the prettiest ring, but your parents have been married for thirty years so it must carry some luck.
As far as you could tell, everyone in both families knew about the engagement except for Heather’s dad. Before you could give her the ring you needed his blessing. It was a conversation you were not looking forward to. He was intimidating and he never seemed to really like you. You and Heather were going to stay with her parents that weekend. Before putting it in your pocket you rubbed the ring like it was a rabbit’s foot. You hoped all the magic hadn’t been used up.
Some people love the kool-aid. They like the taste. They swirl it around in their mouths before they gulp it down like it’s fine wine. Others use it to brush their teeth and wash their hair. The real fanatics bath in the stuff. Your co-workers at 3B marketing have been baptized in the shit. You are thinking it was the purple flavor. That stuff is good.
You can’t help but notice that no one here smiles. Not really. They all have a forced semi-serious grimace. It is as if a light in their brains went off advising a forced facial expression for the purpose of appearing pleased. They don’t seem unhappy. They just don’t have a lot of use for happiness.
As Bob walks you around to meet everybody you are trying so hard to be likeable. Every handshake is accompanied with a pat on the back. You make a little small talk. “Like your hair.” “Awesome tie.” That kinda stuff. You’re smiling big and showing a lot of teeth. It’s coming across like you are the doo-fus at a cocktail party no one invited to join.
Eventually, Bob shows you to a little desk at the end of a hall. It’s not an office. It’s not even a cubicle. There is no phone and no computer.
“This is where you’ll be sitting, but you should never actually be sitting here and I should never come in and find you at this desk.”
You are confused, but nod in acknowledgement anyways.
“Your job is support for everyone you just met. When you come in drop your personal items here and then touch base with everyone here until someone finds something for you to do.”
“What if they don’t?”
“In that case you will wait patiently until needed, but you are not to sit in this corner and hide out waiting for someone to come for you. Remember, your job is to make yourself a valuable member of our team. You need to prove that you are useful.”
“How about a laptop or a phone?”
“The company will not issue you those things. It is not anticipated that you’ll need them at this time. If you feel you have to have them you can provide them for yourself. “
A wave of insecurity begins to crest inside your mind. You feel like it is your first day and you’re already in trouble.
“You can take the rest of the day off. I will expect you here at 8a.m. sharp tomorrow. Do not be late. Punctuality is demanded of all employees. Before you leave I need you to stop by Ms. Chase’s desk and fill out some paper work.”
“Okay.” You feel already like this is not working out and need to make a gesture to try and rectify the situation. “I am really happy to be here. I am going to give it my best.”
“Good.”
You think maybe Bob will warm up to you. He can’t be this stern and matter of fact with everyone. At least not all the time. You press your luck.
“Everyone here seems so serious.” You observe sheepishly.
“People around here take their jobs seriously. This is a career. It is supposed to be serious. They have their lives invested in the success of this company. If you want to succeed you’ll need to be serious as well.”
Bob has a look of satisfaction like people often do when they think they have bestowed great wisdom on the unknowing. You already know about the kool-aid. You know that people only drink it because they are thirsty, because they need to believe in something to give meaning and structure to their lives. You look closely to see if there is a purple ring around Bob’s mouth. You wonder if he knows there are other flavors.
When you’re the new guy the two most important attributes to have are eagerness and humility. These people already have something going on and they neither need nor want you hanging around. It’s a pack thing. You need to tuck your tail between your legs and beg them to let you join. Heap praise on your new co-workers and downplay any accomplishments of your own. Do this and you’ll be welcomed. Ignore it and you’ll soon be the guy where everyone stops talking as you walk into a room. You have often wished that wisdom did not require hindsight.
It’s probably because you’ve never had a job before that you are much too relaxed and casual for your first day. Everyone is dour and attentive. You walk around like you are the starring in an antiperspirant commercial. It’s no sweat.
Barry, Beacham, and Brothers is a well respected firm or so you’ve been told. You should be a lot more excited, but you’re really only doing this so your father doesn’t cut you off and Heather doesn’t break up with you. When you meet Mr. Barry you shake his hand like he’s an old chum. He shakes your hand like he is being polite to someone who just asked to borrow money.
“I hope you appreciate what an opportunity it is to work here.” He begins in a firm and serious manner. He will end the same way.
“Oh, I do.”
“We do not have a need for any more staff at the present time, but your father is a valuable client so we created a position for you. You will need to make yourself available to everyone that works here. You will be extra help for anyone who needs it so you’ll need to get in good with your peers. There is no one who reports to you. You report to everyone. If they need coffee you’ll get it. If they need you for a project you’ll do it. If after six months you’ve found a way to become a valuable member of our team you will be offered a contract for permanent employment. Does this sound like something you can do?”
He looks you over to see if you can handle it. He wants to know if you’re going to crack. You are completely cool.
“You bet.”
It’s the right response, but the casualness is all wrong. He has no expectation that you are going to stick around. Even so, he puts the ball in your court.
“Whether you succeed or fail is up to you, Mark. Your father is a good man. I hope you have been cast in his shadow.”
You have known your father all your life and you have met all his friends, but you have never once met Mr. Barry so you wonder how he thinks he knows your father so well. This guy must owe your father a lot of favors.
“We have the same chin.” You think a little levity might ease the tension. It doesn’t.
“My secretary, Ms. Chase, will put you together with Bob Thermin. He will show you around and get you started.”
You sit there for a moment not sure if the meet and greet is over. It was faster than you expected and it is definitely over.
“Okay.” You get up and head for the door. Before you leave you make sure to turn to him smile and say, “Thanks a lot.”
He does not respond. Not a good luck or anything.
While you wait by Ms. Chase’s desk you try to make a little small talk.
“Mr. Barry is one serious guy. I hope Mr. Beacham is funnier.”
“Mr. Beacham is semi-retired.” This is all you're going to get from her.
It would be three months before you realize that Brothers is Herb Brothers. Somehow you thought the Brothers meant Mr. Barry and Mr. Beacham’s brothers worked there as well. You didn’t ask and no one offered clarification.
The five minutes it took for Bob Thermin to walk to Ms. Chase’s desk were long and excruciating.
You always figured that if someone was going to squash your plans it would be Heather. Somehow you hoped she’d just let you go. After all, you’d already purchased the tickets. Bad ideas usually need someone to either acquiesce or ignore for them to succeed. Your father coming to visit never occurred to you as even a remote possibility.
You grew up in a middle/nearly upper middle class household. As an only child you always got what you wanted and were never pushed too hard. Your mother didn’t work. You got plenty of attention. Life was soft. Life was good.
College was like high school without rules. As long as your grades were good you could do whatever you wanted. Your credit card had your father’s name on it and the bank account you withdrew money from to pay rent and bills was regularly replenished by him. You didn’t really understand all the work he had to do to make that happen.
Your father was type A all the way. His upbringing was meager. Since the age of twelve he had worked nearly every day. He represented that segment of the population that is always striving to get ahead. He read self-help books like they were bibles with graphs. The only time he ever raised his hand to you since you were a child was when as a teenager you mocked him and hid cheese all over the house. That actually angered your mother more as she was finding little yellow cubes of cheddar for months afterwards.
The knock on the door is unexpected, but thanks to Heather, your place is clean and you’re dressed at four o’clock on a weekday afternoon. Your father makes with the usual pleasantries and takes a genuine liking to Milo. His remark about having a dog will teach you responsibility completely escapes you even though you are desperately trying to figure out why he is here.
He says the two of you need to talk and the butterflies in your stomach begin to stir. You start to imagine worst case scenarios. Is he sick? Is mom sick? Were you adopted and this is how he’s going to break news?
“I see some new stuff in here and I think I smell perfume.”
“It’s Heather. She’s moved in, kind of. I hope that’s okay.”
“That’s great. Your mother and I really like her.” You are relieved. “Is it getting serious?”
“We have talked about maybe getting married. So, I guess it is.”
He seems pleased. “I guess we all have to grow up sooner or later. Nothing does the trick like marriage.”
You wonder if he and mom are getting divorced.
“I bet you’re wondering why I’m here.”
“Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“I took the day off.” He never does that. You brace yourself for the bad news.
“I came by to talk about your future.” A wave of relief passes over your body.
“Thank God. You had me scared for minute.” You crack a big smile that he doesn’t return.
“This is serious, Mark.” He leans in. “I have been very easy on you. Probably easier than I should have been, but I have had a tough life and I wanted to make sure my son didn’t have to struggle like I did.”
As a child you learned that the only way to survive a lecture was to sit perfectly still, make eye contact, and nod appropriately. If you follow these guidelines it will pass by quickly and painlessly and things will soon return to normal.
“Have you found a job?” He asks.
“Not yet.” You reply with the earnestness of a witness at a murder trial.
“Have you been looking?”
“Yes Sir.” This is true if you consider ice cream taster and bungee jump operator as jobs.
“Craigslist doesn’t count.” You’ve been found out. You try to not show any weakness.
“I have found you a job. It is with a marketing firm my company does business with. What they need fits in with your major. They want to meet you on Monday. You’ll need to wear a suit and tie.”
This ruins your whole summer plan. You need to wriggle off this hook. All you can think to say is, “I can’t.”
“Why not?” He does not like your response.
“I have plans.” You don’t want to whine, but you start to anyways. “I was thinking I’d do a little traveling. See the country. Catch a few shows. Clear my head before I, you know, grow up and get a job.”
“How long is this supposed to take?”
Negotiating is good. You might be able to pull this off. “Till Labor Day. First week after. I’ll be pounding the street with my resume in hand. I just want a couple months. A career is a lifetime.”
“Just what is it you are going to put on your resume? You have never had a job. You didn’t intern last year so you could chase nin all over the country so you have already seen the country.”
This isn’t going well, but you decide to correct him anyways. “It was Nine Inch Nails.”
“I don’t care who they were.”
You lose. The only thing to do now is sit back and take it.
“It is time to grow up now, son. I have been footing the bill for twenty two years. I can’t do it forever. If you don’t take this job I’ll have to cut you off. I don’t want to, but I’ll have to. Do you think Heather is going to marry someone who can’t take care of himself? As far as I can tell the only plan you have right now is to get a job and get on with your life as an adult.”
“You’re right. I’ll do it.” You were never going to win. The best you can do is be magnanimous in defeat. “Thank you. I know you are looking out for me. What do you want me to do?”
“Get a haircut.” He smiles when he says this and you feel like you can relax again.
“I want you to know this is not a permanent position. They have only agreed to take you on for six months. You are basically below starting level so you are going to need to kick some ass if you want them to keep you. The money is not going to be very good, but I don’t want you to focus on that. Better pay will come with better work and I will continue to support you as long as you are working. Are you up to it?”
“Absolutely!” You try to match his enthusiasm.
“I just got done reading a book called Carving Out Your Future. I’m going to loan it to you and I want you to read it. Basically, it is a cook book for success.”
“Sounds interesting.” You are playing along.
“It’s bullshit. But, the one thing it does is that in each of the recipes for maximizing potential is that they all include greatness. You need to add greatness to everything you do. Whether baking a cake or exercising stock options. If you add greatness all your dreams will come true.”
You figure that it is harmless pop psychology and you grimace at the pun you just made in your mind. “I’ll read it.”
He stays for dinner that Heather makes and the three of you get to spend some quality time together before he leaves. He is wise enough not to get too involved in the whole engagement discussion and instead talks about your new job and embarrassing childhood memories. You begin to think that it was lucky for you that he came along when he did. There is no way Heather would let you fly around the country with your drinking buddies. You’d lose that fight too and it would be a lot uglier. It’s a good thing you can use Craigslist to unload the tickets before she ever finds out.
The next couple of weeks saw little change in the current arrangement. Heather stayed over more often than she didn’t and she did start to move some items into your apartment. Milo enjoyed having new things to sniff and chew. He also appreciated having someone else annoy. You just didn’t have enough energy. Other than that she hadn’t told her parents and you hadn’t told yours. You had not even bothered to shop for rings. You certainly hadn’t looked for a job.
The job was the lynchpin in the whole plan. Heather would remind you to look and you would lie that you had. The truth is that you want to take it easy. You just graduated from four years of college and the last thing you want to do was go out and find a job. You need to decompress, or so you rationalize. Besides, you have bigger plans.
People have many different names for God. They call him Jehovah, Yahweh, Jah, and Allah. Your God is named open air concert seating. The previous summer, when you were supposed to be interning, you chose instead to see sixteen Nine Inch Nail concerts in two months. Yes, they were all pretty much the same, but that’s not the point.
As far back as you can remember you’ve been a music junkie. Your compact disc collection is so large it takes up an entire corner of your living room even though most of the music you own is ripped online and exists as digital files. The first thing you did when you got Milo is built a pen around your ensemble. You had nightmares of him chewing through your Nirvana boxed set and it left you completely unnerved.
This summer was going to be all about outdoor festivals. You bought tickets to all the big ones and a couple of the smaller ones. Your similarly irresponsible friends were all onboard. Heather does not care for music at all unless it’s on the radio and all her girlfriends are singing to it. It never ceases to amaze you how girls can remember the words to ever bad song ever written as well as their choreographed dance moves. You always said the girl you’d marry would have to love Led Zeppelin as much as you do. That didn’t quite work out. You think you told her about Coachella. You might have left out the others.
Heather hates being touched while she sleeps. Every time she has spent the night you have been relegated to a tiny swatch of mattress that leaves you precariously close to the edge. When you do manage to fall asleep your dreams are about clinging to the side of a cliff. It’s not restful. You have considered reclaiming your space but she kicks in her sleep. She punches too. Once she poked you in the eye and you had a black bruise that took a week to heal.
This morning though, she is lying on top of you in the middle of the bed holding on like you are a giant novelty county fair won stuffed animal that she does not want to part with. You can’t help but think about how cool this is. There is a part of you that hopes you can stay this way forever. There is another part that knows sooner or later you are going to have to pee.
Over breakfast you decide to test the waters to see exactly how deep you are getting.
“I really like waking up with you.”
She acknowledges your statement with a muffled grunt while slurping her coffee.
“It’s the intimacy. I crave that. When you start the day with someone you love it’s gonna be a good day.”
By now she is concerned that you have gone soft on her. She gives you a puzzled look because she can tell you are trying to say something but she isn’t sure what it is.
“Let’s take this relationship to the next level.” You hang your words out there in the wind and pray she doesn’t blow them away.
She seems a little stunned, but in a who farted manner and not an oh my God kind of way. “Are you asking me to marry you?”
“Let’s live together.” You are beaming as if this is the best idea any man ever came up with.
“I can’t.” She replies as a matter of fact.
“Why not?”
“My parents will cut me off.”
“You have a job.”
“You don’t.”
“My parents don’t care.” You are trying to close this loophole in an otherwise perfect plan.
“Mine do.”
You start scrambling. You begin to wonder how you can either make this work out the way you want it to or go back in time five minutes before you opened your mouth. You remember the first thing she said and decide to use that.
“What if we’re engaged?”
“Really?” She is genuinely surprised.
“Heather we’ve been doing this for a long time. I want to believe that we’ll keep doing this forever.”
She puts her now shaking cup of coffee down on the table top and says, “Okay.”
That’s good enough for you, but you need to clarify whether or not you have sealed the deal. “Can we live together if we’re engaged?”
“Of course we can.” You can see that she is either panicked or happy or both. You hope for happy but will settle for both.
“You need to get a job. And a ring. And my father’s blessing.” Her mind is racing at a million miles an hour. “We can drive up this weekend. No, next weekend. Until then we’re just engaged to be engaged. I need to call my mother. I’m late for work.”
She gets up, gives you a long wet kiss, and walks out the door. She left behind her coat and purse. Her shirt was untucked and her hair undone. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and you are not sure if she was wearing any shoes. She runs back in to grab her cell phone and laughs at her forgetfulness. She's insane and you love her.
When Heather returns it is as if she is a beacon of light from an outside world. You have been trapped alone for days with your furry companion. You long for human interaction. You had even started talking to Milo like he is a person. You are afraid the neighbors will have you committed if they find out you are having lengthy discussions with a dog. You tell Heather about your cabin fever because you need to tell someone who doesn’t wag a tail.
You ask her about her trip home and her parents and anything at all on her mind that she wants to share. You have always prided yourself on a kind of lone wolf mentality, but at this moment you need to hear her voice like you need air. You hang on every word she says, no matter how mundane, and pay attention in ways you never had before. You pick up on every inflection. You notice a curled smile when she says something she finds interesting. When she is bored you can tell because her brow is placid so you change the subject.
She can tell that you are staring at her. You want to hide it, but you can’t. You trace every strand of blonde hair as it curls around her face. You count the grey-green spokes in her blue eyes. You follow the slope of her nose to a gentle hook that leads to a perfect mouth. You don’t know if you have ever felt this way about Heather before. You are enraptured and it is obvious. The realization causes both of you to blush.
You are overwhelmed with the desire to make some sort of true love ode. You want to be gushing and sentimental. It is an ache swelling up inside of you, but before you can get the words out Heather changes the subject.
“Have you taught him any tricks?” She asks.
“Milo? No, he’s self-taught.”
“I saw a book.”
“He read it already. He’s a savant. Well more like an idiot savant. I’m hoping he grows out of the idiot phase.”
She bends down to rub his furry head.
“I did teach him one thing, but I’ll need you to stand up straight.”
Heather complies and while you point at her you tell an already very excited Milo. “Sniff the panties!”
Milo jumps up and buries his head between her thighs. She squeals and pushes him back down.
“You would teach him that.”
“He’s good at it and it’s what he likes to do.”
“I can see that.”
“I must admit I’m a little jealous. I could never get away with something like that, but you know we always want our children to succeed where we fail.”
Heather gives you a sly look and says, “I don’t think you are a failure.”
